Cash Rich - but time poor

Cash Rich but Time poor......

Two  years ago a couple came to see me in acute distress. The husband was a workaholic, working late into the evening and most weekends. His wife was at the end of her tether, she felt lonely, unloved, tired and frustrated. They had three small children and she felt as if she was operating as a single parent.

We had a number of sessions during which we examined why the Husband felt the need to work such long hours. Low self esteem is the central issue with the majority of workaholics and this case was no exception. 

Once he began to open up, he explained how growing up he had never felt good enough. His parents were both very successful and had set very high standards for their children. Praise was rare and criticism often harsh.

On examination the Husband was able to see that perfectionism ruled most of his activities, he also recognised that he was on a hamster wheel, that for every mountain he climbed there was another higher one to conquer once he reached the summit.

His wife complained that he was never happy with what they had, and was always wanting more. He agreed to reprioritise his life and make more room for his wife and children, and their relationships flourished as a result. 

One of the many disagreements they had as a couple was that the wife was very happy in their family home, but the husband wanted to move to somewhere more prestigious. When they finished therapy this problem had been left to be resolved at a later date. 

This was two years ago. Fast forward to January this year when I received  an email in my inbox titled 'Making Progress'. The husband then detailed how he had got his way and a decision had been made to move house. With in excess of a million pound budget, before Christmas they had gone out visiting lavish homes in their local area. 

Apparently after visiting five amazing homes, with indoor pools and tennis courts, my client suddenly had a change of heart and told his wife he no longer wanted to move.

When his wife asked what had instigated this change he explained that when he had asked each Estate Agent why each particular house was on the market, he had the same reply each and every time, "Unfortunately the owners are Divorcing".

My client said that this made him sit and reflect on exactly why he needed a bigger and better house. He said he concluded that the stress of maintenance and higher mortgage repayments would only further fuel his need to work. He also recognised that he too was perfectly happy in their current family home.  

The moral of this story is that it is fine to have goals and strive for improvements in our lives. But we must be conscious of the reasons behind our decisions, and also the effect these decisions will have on our lives. 

Bigger is not always better, the secret to happiness is learning to be content with what we already have. Contentment is true wealth. 

Happy relationships are linked to health and longevity

  Happy relationships are linked to health and longevity

More and more studies are revealing a clear link between the quality of our relationships and our health. Recent studies have shown reduced immunity in couples during particularly acrimonious periods. Studies have also shown a decrease in the chance of cardiovascular disease in mid-life women who are in contented marriages and relationships.

A study out of Harvard known as The Harvard Grant study has followed the lives of a group of more than 700 men over a 75 year period. It is one of the longest studies of it's kind. In recent years the study has expanded to include interviewing the wives and children of these men. 

The conclusion of this research was that the strongest influence on long term health and well being was to be in a strong loving relationship. Interestingly these relationships don't have to be constantly smooth. Dr Waldinger one of the Directors of the study said " Some of our Octogenarian couples could bicker day in and day out. But as long as they felt they could really count on the other when the going gets tough, those arguments don't take a toll on their memories".

After decades of study Dr Waldinger was confident that strong social bonds had a major impact in long-term health and well-being.

When asked what actions he would recommend for people looking to benefit from this study. He responded " Something as simple as replacing screen time with people time, or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights. Reach out to that family member you haven't spoken to in years- because those all-to-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people that hold the grudges".

Our relationships matter, our connections to others reduce stress and strengthen our immune systems. But it has been clearly shown that connections via technology do not have the same long term benefits on our health. The main benefits are achieved via face to face connection.

Interestingly, at the start of the study most of the young adults interviewed believed long term happiness would be best obtained with wealth, fame and success. This also supports what I see in my practise. All too often couples are focusing their energies outside their relationship rather than on each other. 

I believe this is going to be a growing debate as our society becomes more fractured, diseased and lonely. I believe that we are finally beginning to recognise the limitations and dangers of our current capitalist society. 

Make 2018 the year you decide to limit your mobile usage and increase you face to face contact with family, friends and loved ones. As by doing so you are providing the best foundation for your long term health and happiness. 

If you want to learn more about The Harvard study of Happiness Dr Waldinger recently gave a TED talk titled What makes a good life? this can be found at www.ted.com.

Consistent effort is key to a happy Relationship

All Relationships require effort

It is a myth that if you are 'soul mates' you will not have to work at your relationship. It is also a myth that if you have to work hard at your relationships it suggests you are not right for one another. It is a myth that relationships should be effortless.

All relationships require effort, people put effort into the areas of life that are important to them, that they prioritise. Why is the 'Honeymoon' phase of a relationship so wonderful? This is the time of a relationship when both partners are putting in the most effort. They are prioritising each other and their relationship.

Almost every relationship that I see in my practise suffers from a lack of effort. Sometimes it is just one partner not making an effort and sometimes it is both. The relationship has ceased to be a priority.

When I ask couples when was the last time they spent any quality alone time together. They often struggle to think of any significant quality time in the recent past. Most couples these days seem to be largely prioritising career and or children, leaving no time at all for their relationship.

Careers and children are important and it is right that they should take up large chunks of time, but they should never take up ALL our time. If you want to lose weight you need to put EFFORT into choosing a diet plan, and sticking to it. The same if you want to achieve a successful career, get fit or learn a new hobby. Success in any area of life requires effort. Unfortunately however many people are of the mistaken belief that relationships can flourish in a vacuum, with little to no effort or attention. 

Just think what you could achieve if you decided today to make your relationship a priority in your life. That every day you chose to make every effort to improve your relationship. Any effort requires our time, and quality time is exactly what a couple needs to maintain a happy and healthy connection to each other.  

Designate a night every week as 'date night', they work and they keep a couple connected. Date night does not have to require leaving the house if finding a babysitter is difficult. The date can be spent at home cooking a special meal, or taking a long bath together. A couple of times a year go away for a night. Just one night away can remind a couple of what they love about each there. It stops a relationship from getting into a rut, and maintains a spark.

Make an effort to have meaningful communication every day. Talk about your day, and take time to listen to each other without judgement or stepping in with solutions, just to listen. Try to learn a little more about each other every day, remember that long lasting and happy relationships are always based on a strong foundation of friendship. Learn about each others likes and dislikes, happy and painful memories, ambitions, hopes and fears. Taking an interest in each other deepens the bonds of friendship and trust.

Think about the message you are sending if you choose not to make an effort in your relationship. You are sending a clear message that your partner is not a priority in your life. The greatest gift you can give anyone is the gift of your time. Giving your partner freely of your time sends a very clear message that you value your relationship and that you value them. 

Choose to make 2018 the year your relationship gets the time and effort it deserves, and watch how your connection deepens and your relationship thrives.

Don't leave it too late to seek Relationship counselling

Don't leave it too late to seek help with your relationship.

It has been found that a couple will wait 6 years in an unhappy relationship before seeking help with a counsellor.

It is one of the frustrations of my job as a Relationship Counsellor when I see couples that have left it just too late to save their relationship. Too much water has passed under the bridge, too many hurts and resentments have eroded their love and affection. 

It is very common for couples to tell me on successful completion of counselling that they only wish they had come years earlier. So what are the reasons most couples wait so long before coming to counselling?

The most common reason I hear is that they in some way feel a failure by not being able to sort through the problems themselves.

Another reason is that (In the majority of cases the man) fears the emotional vulnerability of counselling. Fearing having to talk about their emotions to a stranger. 

Another reason is fear of the unknown. Many couples just don't know what to expect from relationship counselling, and this fear of the unknown makes them avoid it until the relationship is in such distress they have no other option.

The average number of sessions required by couples to reach a successful outcome in my practise in 2017 was 6. If your car broke down you would not hesitate to take it to a garage and get it fixed. If you need legal advise you would seek the services of a Solicitor. If you need financial advise you would seek the services of a Financial adviser. So it should be with Relationship Advise.

Unfortunately Relationship Advise is not taught in our schools and Universities, with most people learning through the often painful experience of trial and error. Our relationships provide the very foundations of our lives, and when they are not working our whole life operates under a dark cloud. 

A distressed relationship causes both physical and mental health problem. Chronic stress, fatigue, depression, anxiety and insomnia are common problems for couples that have been distressed for many years. Unhappy adult relationships also effect the health of children. It has now been proven that children who are raised in a stressed environment are far more likely to suffer from Asthma or other autoimmune diseases.

If your relationship is currently troubled and you do not know how to move forward and improve your situation, choose to make 2018 the year you decide to seek help and get your relationship back on track. Relationship counselling works - over 90% of the couples I worked with in 2017 said they felt their relationship had significantly improved with relationship counselling. They also felt confident that they had acquired the skills to maintain a happy relationship and to overcome any challenges that might arise in the future.

Seeking help is not failure. Quite the opposite, it is choosing a positive way forward. It is making a conscious decision to improve your life, and find the happiness you deserve.

Visit my website at www.counsellingandcoachingcardiff.co.uk to find out more about me and how I can help you create the relationship you deserve. 

Work addiction and it's negative effects on relationships

Work addiction and how it destroys Relationships

More and more frequently I am seeing couples where one or in some cases both partners suffer with an addiction to work. Work addiction is often seen as a 'soft addiction' and in many sectors of society is actually held in high regard.

Unfortunately I see the huge damage that an addiction to work unleashes on the effected relationships. The definition of addiction is the use of any substance or engagement in a behaviour for which the person develops strong cravings, is unable to stop or limit despite the fact that the activity generates many harmful and destructive consequences.

Workaholism can effect anyone in any field but there are certain professions where it seems to be far more prevalent. The medical profession, Teaching, Law/Barristers, The Financial Sector and the Self Employed. 

An addiction by its very nature dominates the mind and priorities of the effected person. The addiction has become a coping strategy for the individual to deal with their inner pain. A pain that in the many cases stems from some kind of trauma in childhood. For anyone who would like to further explore this idea the videos on U Tube by the Physician Gabor Mate are really insightful. 

The workaholic turns away from their family and loved ones and spends less and less time away from work. Holidays are either not taken at all or dominated by phone calls and emails. School plays and sports days are often missed, and quality time with their loved one becomes rare. 

Unfortunately Workaholics always have an excuse for their long hours. 'We wouldn't have this lifestyle', 'I'm doing it for the kids future/school fees', ' I am only working hard now so I can retire early', or 'You knew this about me when you married me'. These reasons feel very hard for the partner to argue against, however the partners of workaholics become more and more burdened, resentful and lonely as the work addiction continues.

Unwittingly partners can become 'enablers' of the addiction by picking up the slack, becoming increasingly tired and overworked themselves. The addiction also effects the health and mood of the sufferer. Workaholics are often tired and irritable, with on going stress related health complaints, such as anxiety, irritable bowel and insomnia. As with any addiction the health complaints get steadily worse as the working hours remain unadjusted.

So what is the way forward? Partners of workaholics must practise good self care. They must not become enablers and must learn how to put up boundaries to protect themselves. Addiction is a disease and the sufferer needs to seek help to adjust their lifestyle, as unlike with substance abuse abstinence is not an option. 

Workaholics need to understand that relationships cannot work without time and effort. I have worked with many workaholics who have eventually been able to see the damage their behaviour is having on themselves and their families. These individuals have successfully learn how to create a better work life balance and create room for their relationships to thrive.

Unfortunately the individuals that refuse to look at their behaviours and change usually find their relationship ends in divorce. Often the workaholic will move on to another relationship where the same problems reoccur.

If you are a partner of a workaholic do not allow them to belittle or dismiss the problem. Recognise that you are worthy of love and affection and try not to 'enable' the condition by overworking yourself. 

If you are a workaholic and recognise yourself here - take the time to get help and support to change your behaviour. At the end of their life no one ever wished they spent longer at their desk. Ultimately it is the relationships that we form that bring us our greatest joy.

Why modern Society is placing huge stress on our Relationships

How Modern Society is destroying our Relationships and what you can do to stop it destroying yours.

Divorce, depression, addiction, autoimmune disease, chronic fatigue and obesity are all on the increase. Although we have more disposable income than ever before we are more medicated, lonely, fatigued and depressed than at any other time in history. 

This is also the case for our children, with rates of depression, ADHD, self harm, drug addiction, eating disorders and childhood obesity rising at alarming levels.

So what is going wrong? The answer can be found by studying Tribal Societies. Tribal societies do not suffer from depression and loneliness, addiction and auto immune diseases, eating disorders and self harm. The word that best sums up these societies is 'connection'. They live by the notion that is takes a tribe to raise a child. 

Families remain tightly knit with elders admired and included. Children spend a lot of time with not only their parents but also their grandparents and extended family members. The stresses on modern parents in western societies are not suffered by these Tribe members. Homes are a place where connection dominates.

In my practise I see a lot of couples who are cash rich but time poor. Our priorities have changed, careers and children's extra curricular activities leave very little time for parents to spend quality time with each other. When two parents are working often quality time with the children is also restricted. We are all too stressed to live fully in the moment.

Time and time again I see couples where both are running at one hundred miles an hour on their separate hamster wheels. With no time to smell the roses, or enjoy the journey. But what are we all running towards? When I ask my clients this question the answers are variations of the same. To pay mortgages, a new car, holidays, pensions and school fees. 

The truth is we have become a nation of excess - we all want to keep up, to achieve, to succeed. Life cannot be enjoyed at 100 miles an hour. The subtleties of life are lost, but most importantly the connections with the people that matter most are lost.

My definition of success is a life where each individual has time. Time to enjoy and explore with their families. Time to develop deeper more meaningful connections. Time to disconnect from the internet and reconnect with themselves. Time to stop and enjoy the sunrise, the sunset, a lingering hug. Time to listen. 

It is now well established that depression, autoimmune disease and addictions are all a result of our increasingly stressful lifestyles and our lack of meaningful connections.  

Decide today to dedicate more time in your life to deepen your connection with your partner and your families. One of the most precious gifts we can give others and ourselves is time. 

Remember people on their death bed never wish they had spent more time in the office, or at their desks. Down size if necessary, buy a second hand car instead of a new one, keep your phone until it stops working rather than upgrading every couple of years. If putting children in private school means you have to work such long hours that you can't spend time with them, maybe it is time to reconsider where you school them. Take the financial pressure off yourself wherever possible. We have become a throw away society. Try to learn to enjoy what you have, learn to live well within your means. 

A life lived in this way will create more time, life's most precious gift. Time to play, run, dance, laugh, explore, hug, give, listen, love and most importantly connect.  

I will leave you with this poem by Nadine Star aged 85, it is a  reminder to us all.

If I had my life to live over,
        I'd try to make more mistakes next time.
             I would relax. I would limber up.
      I would be sillier than I have on this trip.
      I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic.
   I would take more chances, I would take more trips.
  I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, 
  and watch more sunsets.
I would burn more gasoline. I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
         You see, I am one of those people who lives
    prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, 
 hour after hour, day after day.

               Oh, I have had my moments
  And if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.
        In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. 
    Just moments,one after another.
      Instead of living so many years ahead each day.
     I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
    without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a
  raincoat, and a parachute.

    If I had to do it over again, I would go places and do things.
                       I'd travel lighter than I have.
      If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted
         earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
           I would play hooky more. I wouldn't make such good grades
        except by accident.
                   I would ride on merry-go-rounds.

                        I'd pick more daisies!

   

Self Love is a vital component to a healthy relationship

Why Self Love is Vital for Healthy Relationships

Time and again in my practise I see individuals that lack self love, and I witness the damage that it causes to their relationships. If we are unable to love ourselves how can we ever expect to be loved by another. 

Individuals with self love have learnt the importance of taking good care of themselves. They do not see self care are selfish but as a necessary part of staying emotionally and physically healthy. 

They have learnt how to put in place healthy boundaries with others. They do not help others when to do so will have a negative effect on themselves. They have learnt to take time. They have learnt to say no without feeling wracked with guilt. They have learnt the art of being kind to themselves. They accept that they will make mistakes, that they are not perfect. They have learn the art of forgiveness and self acceptance. They have also learnt that they are enough just as they are.

Self love is a very difficult concept for many people to grasp. Many people feel very uncomfortable with the idea of 'loving themselves'.  We come into this world alone and leave this world alone, the one constant in our lives is ourselves. We were not ever meant to be 'Perfect', without flaw. We all make mistakes and we all have fears and doubts, even the people that seem from the outside to have it all worked out. 

I have the honour of meeting people from all walks of life, many of whom are hugely successful. I can assure you that self doubt lingers even in those who have seemly 'made it'. The greatest impact you can have on your relationships is to start by improving the relationship you have with yourself.

Without self love it is impossible to be authentic and to show others who you truly are. A lack of self love means there is a part of yourself that you are not accepting or are ashamed of, a part that must remain hidden. Acceptance is a huge part of learning how to love yourself, as is forgiveness. Learn to accept your journey, accept and forgive yourself for your mistakes, for will endevour to do better next time.  Try and except that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment. 

A lack of self love says ' I am not good enough, I should be better ' It says ' I should be thinner, prettier, richer, more successful' whatever is your poison. Poison is exactly what it is because a lack of self love, reduces and hides, and stops your individual light from shinning. It generates fear, and fear and love can NEVER exist together. Place fear into any relationship and it will eventually destroy it. Fear stops people from putting up boundaries. Fear forces people to accept mistreatment from others. Fear destroys independence and creates neediness. 

Make 2018 the year you truly learn the art of loving and accepting yourself. Take time, smell the coffee, relax, and tell your self daily for the next 365 days  ' I love and approve of yourself ' and ' I am enough just as I am '. I promise you, your life and relationships will change immesureably for the better .

Kindness is a very underrated quality

Kindness is such an underrated quality

If your relationship is in distress one of the biggest impacts you can have to help improve your situation is to cultivate the art of small acts of kindness.

Kindness whispers ' I care about you, you are important to me'. Kindness is soft and warm and generous, and helps to dissolve the harsh environment of acrimony and discord.

Small acts of kindness can take no more than a couple of  minutes of your time. A cup of tea in bed, a genuine compliment, a loving note left on a mirror, buying a favourite chocolate bar on the way home from work, or sending a thoughtful text.

Try not to keep score, act because you want to, and not in order to receive. Try to consistently introduce small acts of kindness on a daily basis. You will find that kindness is contagious and it will naturally have a positive effect on all those that you touch, as well as having a feel good impact on yourself.

Remember, small habits can have huge impact.

Nature is a great teacher

Nature teaches you all you need to know about relationships.

Have you ever noticed how much can be be learnt from nature....

If you fail to maintain your garden, lawns quickly become overgrown and moss ridden, hedges become ragged, edges lose their shape, and flower beds become over run with weeds. We know this so we maintain our gardens. 

All too often however we do not give the same care and attention to our relationships and then wonder why they do not look and feel as they once did. Relationships require our care, attention, effort and time. If we spent a fraction of the time we chose to spend on our careers tending to our relationships they would thrive and flourish.  

Relationships do not survive unattended.If you choose to make no time for your relationship then you shouldn't be in one. We prioritise what we care about, start today by making your loved one a priority in your life with effort, attention and quality time.