Vulnerability the key to a deeper connection

Vulnerability - The key to deep connection.

Relationships can feel unsatisfying and unfulfilling when they lack any depth of connection. It is not possible to connect beyond a surface level without experiencing vulnerability. In order to allow ourselves to be vulnerable we must trust that our partners 'Have our back' and feel that they have our best interests at heart. 

For many individuals however, opening up emotionally is extremely difficult. If you come from a family background that did not discuss emotions then it is very likely that you will become an adult uncomfortable in the world of emotions, with many even believing that displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

Discussing your own inner emotions takes courage, the courage to allow yourself to be authentic and ' fully seen'. Talking together with your partner about your strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, dreams and failures, builds layer upon layer of deep bonds and connections. It is these bonds and connections which will hold you together through difficult and challenging times. It is these bonds that are the difference between a friendship and ' a loving relationship'. Without these bonds a loving relationship will fail to thrive. It will very likely feel like something is missing, and the relationship will feel unfulfilling.

Often I will see couples where one partner is emotionally open and the other uncomfortable opening up emotionally. It will be the emotionally open partner that will struggle the most in this partnership. They will feel acutely aware that their partner is not displaying themselves emotionally. They will often talk about feeling lonely, or that the relationship lacks balance. They often are left feeling vulnerable as they are unaware of their partners emotional inner world. One such partner said to me " I feel as if my partner knows me, but that I don't really know them'. 

As children we learn by modelling what we see. If our parents do not discuss their emotions freely then we do not learn the importance of emotional expression. Emotional expression is hugely important to our mental health and wellbeing. If emotions are not processed or shared then they become stored and can result in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, or in destructive and addictive behaviour patterns. Adults whose parents did not discuss emotions freely are far more likely to struggle to do so themselves.

The American Psychologist Brene Brown has an excellent Ted Talk at www.ted.com titled 'The Power of Vulnerability'. Brene's research found that the happiness and longevity of a relationship is very much dependant on a couples ability to embrace vulnerability. 

If you or your partner struggles with emotional expression and with vulnerability the first step to any change is acknowledging the problem. If you are not used to discussing your emotions it will feel very uncomfortable at first, you will likely feel very exposed and awkward. However it is important to keep stepping forward, vulnerability becomes more comfortable the more you experience it. 

Often individuals that are uncomfortable with emotional expression feel much more comfortable in a work environment than a social environment. In work they can hide their vulnerabilities behind the cloak of their title and position, be it Doctor, Lawyer, Director or office worker. Socially they stand exposed, purely themselves, and for many people that can feel very intimidating.

Emotional expression is not only liberating, but completely necessary for the creation of loving bonds of intimacy. Sharing your inner feelings with your partner shows them that you trust them, and is a way of honouring your partnership. It requires us to turn away from our fears of 'Not being enough' and allowing ourselves to be fully seen. 

After all Love is not wishing others to be a mirror of ourselves but embracing and rejoicing in our differences.  

Be careful of Projection

Be careful of 'Projection'.

Following on from yesterdays blog about destructive criticism couples need to be very careful that the criticisms of their partner aren't due to projection.

So what is projection? - projection is when a person is not able to accept the existence of a negative character trait in themselves and so attributes or 'projects' it on to those around them. A gossip might regularly criticise others of gossiping, or a person being unfaithful might accuse their partner of infidelity. I regularly see clients with general unhappiness or depression projecting their own discomfort onto problems with their relationship or their partner. The result is that rather than have to turn to face their own inner discomfort they project their inner pain on to their partner where it is easier to deal with.

So next time you have a criticism of your partner, or anyone for that matter, ask yourself first whether you are projecting an issue that you are failing to address in 
yourself.

I can give you an example in my own life. Recently I have been writing a book. I find writing challenging and can often spend the day finding anything to do other than sitting down to write. In the early stages of writing my book if I had a bad day and achieved little I found myself picking holes in my husband and the lack of productivity in his day. 

Unfortunately, I explained to him about projection years ago, and he cottoned on very quickly what I was doing. Now if I find myself projecting my inner frustrations of book writing he very gently questions how the writing is going!

' Why do you look at the spec of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye'

Matthew 7:3-5

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism

There is a major difference between Constructive and Destructive Criticism.

Couples need to be very mindful of what words they use when they speak to one another. All couples have issues that need to be raised from time to time, however how these issues are raised is the key to a positive and loving relationship and staying connected to one another.

Constructive criticism as defined by wikipedia should be 'Timely, clear, specific, detailed and actionable'. Constructive criticism is supportive and inclusive. Constructive criticism does not blame, shame or finger point. Constructive criticism calmly and kindly suggests a better or more productive way forward.

Destructive criticism is harsh, shame inducing and damaging. Destructive criticism attacks a person's character and regular use of this type of critisism can cause psychological damage in both children and adults. 

Within a loving relationship destructive criticism will quickly destroy connection, creating a void between the couple. When people are destructively critisized they tend to either attack or withdraw. 

Here is an example of constructive and destructive criticism:

"You are so lazy, you never make any effort to help out, you deliberately do things wrong so I may as well have done them myself, your pathetic"

"I feel very frustrated and alone when I feel the housework is unevenly balanced, it makes me feel very resentful. Could we please sit down and work out a plan so the household duties are more evenly split".

One is character assassination and finger pointing, aimed to blame and shame. While the other is clear, specific and most importantly actionable. 

Take time to reflect on the way you present your issues to your partner, words have an immense amount of power. Remember constructive criticism supports, while destructive criticism destroys.