The characteristics of an abusive Relationship

Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Today I would like to outline the characteristics of an abusive relationship. 

The characteristics of an abusive relationship

·     Controlling behavior - if your partner demands to control who you see, where you go, what you wear.

·     Inflicting physical pain of any kind, or threats of violence (For instance punching a wall near your head or throwing items at you). 

·     Regular name calling, patronizing, put-downs, or use of abusive language.  

·     Regularly humiliating you socially.

·      Isolating you from friends and family.

·     Gas lighting – mental abuse where you are made to feel that your partner’s bad behavior is your fault. (For instance, blaming their infidelity on your lack of attention). Changing the facts of events to suit themselves, or questioning your memory of events which can result in you no longer trusting your own judgment. 

·      Intense jealousy and possessiveness.

·     Feeling constantly anxious and like you are walking on eggshells, fearing the next explosive row. Being unable to speak you mind for fear of the consequences.

·     Unstable and unbalanced mood swings that are taken out on you.

·     Being forced to have sex against your will, or inflicting pain during sex.

·     Regular extramarital affairs.

·     Emotional blackmail, for instance, threatening to commit suicide if you say you want to leave the relationship.

·     Accessing your phone and emails without your permission.

·     Giving you the silent treatment if they don’t get their own way.

·     Constant hurtful and shaming criticism.

·     Extreme negative reaction/anger when criticized.

·     Inundating you with phone calls and texts throughout the day and night.

·     Threatening to withdraw their love as a means to control.

·     Huge acts of kindness following periods of physical or mental abuse, which only serves to continue the cycle of abuse. 

·     Regularly playing the victim to generate sympathy and excuse bad behavior.

·     Regular grand promises of change following abusive behavior, that is never forthcoming.

·     Controllers and abusers never take responsibility for their actions. They only look to place the blame on others.

·     Abusers often ‘love bomb’ at the start of a relationship. They are overly effusive with declarations of undying love and how you are ‘everything they have ever wanted’. The relationship usually progresses particularly quickly.

If you recognize many of the above characteristics, then the chances are that you are in an abusive relationship. Couples counselling is not effective for abusive relationships as abuse is not a relationship problem.

The abuser seeks to control the sessions, and the abused partner is unable to speak their mind for fear of repercussions after the session. 

Emotional and physically abusive relationships can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety and depression. Counselling can help you to process your trauma, and enable you to move forward in a positive and empowering way. I have worked with many individuals to help them successfully overcome the damage caused from an abusive relationship. No one deserves abuse of any kind, ever. A full and positive recovery is absolutely attainable.

Emotionally invest in your relationship - it will pay huge dividends.

Emotional Investment

Think for a moment about why you choose to put money into a savings account.  Savings can be dipped into at times of need, they provide a buffer, a safety net. If you chose not to put money into savings, when a time comes that you need extra finance you immediately go into deficite. 

Our relationships need consistent emotional investment. Imagine for a moment a glass jar, and every time you invest in your partner a token is dropped into the jar. Investment comes in the form of quality time given freely, a genuine smile, a warm hug, a compliment, a thoughtful action, a cup of tea in bed, a loving text, a kind gift, a surprise, actively listening and offering support, taking an interest, empathy and understanding.

Over the years the jar fills up and with the filling of the jar comes an increase in respect, trust and deep connection. When mistakes, hurts and misunderstandings happen (which they will) the accumulation of good will in the jar will carry the couple through. The problem comes for the couple where emotional investments are not made. The jar remains empty, so when the relationship hits a bump in the road, there is no buffer, no stored good will and so the relationship enters an arena of emotional deficit. 

A couple in emotional deficit will begin to pick holes in each other, mistakes will not be forgiven but stored as resentments. They monitor each other, and are quick to criticise and pass judgement. Respect and trust is fragile in this relationship.

Trust and respect is not built in a day, but over time. Consistent positive emotional investment in our relationships shows integrity, and integrity is what all healthy relationships are built on. Show up, be reliable, consistent, and predictable. Integrity allows both partners to step forward into vulnerability, knowing that their secrets will be kept and their stories respected.

Make the choice today to invest heavily in your relationships, as it is the quality of your relationships that will determine the quality of your life.

How best to improve emotional and sexual intimacy

How to improve emotional and sexual intimacy

Keeping your intimate life together on track takes consistant effort, especially if you are both working and there are young children in the household! 

• Prioritise quality alone time together every week. If it is practically and financially possible try and get out of the house into a new environment. Novel experiences have been shown to increase testosterone the sex hormone.
• If you have to stay at home, make one night a week your special night. Have a bath together, massage each other, cook together, play a board game, share a favourite chocolate bar or bottle of wine, read to each other, make an adventure board of places you hope to visit or activities you would like to try and keep it updated regularly.
• Remember regular daily acts of kindness - kindness is one of the quickest and easiest ways to improve your connection.
• Improve your emotional connection by making a list of 10 questions each that you would like to know about each other. Try to think of questions that require emotional depth, for example what is your best and worst childhood memory? What do you admire most in a person? or what about the way you were parented would you change? Think of questions personal to your relationship. Showing an interest in one another increases emotional connection.
• Spend a week going to bed naked.
• Every night for a week before you turn off the lights take the time to say three things you appreciate in each other.
• Try and make each other laugh regularly, keeping fun in your relationship is a fantastic way to stay emotionally connected.
• Before bed, light a few candles put on some lovely music and slow dance naked. 
• Make an effort daily to try to better understand and empathise with your partner. We all wish to be truly 'known' by our partners, and for this to happen there must first be the interest, and then the patience and effort.
• Remember special days such as Birthdays and Anniversaries. Too many people overlook special days by saying they are 'Rubbish at buying presents'. Thoughtful gifts show that you care and that you have bothered to take the time. Also remember to be a grateful receiver, sometimes presents don't quite hit the mark, but always be kind with your comments. Just remember to keep the receipt!
• Try and go away alone together, even if only for one night a couple of times a year. New environments keep the relationship fresh. Get you children used to you going away now and again from an early age. Too many of the couples I see completely stop going away together once they have kids, remember to keep space and time for one another.
• Kiss and hug daily, build it into your day. If you find yourself making tea at the same time, stop for a moment for a hug. Always offer a hug and a kiss when leaving or arriving home.
• Hold hands when out walking.
• Take time to talk and listen.
• Prioritise the relationship and each other. 

How and why sexual attraction gets lost in long term relationships

How and why sexual attraction gets lost in long-term relationships.

A recent study by The Co-Op Legal Services into divorce showed the 4th most common reason cited for divorce by couples was that they had stopped fancying each other. 

The main reasons I hear regularly from couples who have lost sexual attraction for their one another are as follows :- 

1. Their partner has physically changed since they first got together, it might be that they have put on a lot of weight, or that they no longer keep themselves fit or take pride in their appearance. 
2. They feel too tired - often this relates to couples that have young children. Couples often find that the demands of work and children leave them with no energy left for each other.
3. Stored resentments - The "why would I want to have sex with you when you do nothing for me" situation. Women in particular need to feel emotionally connected to their partners to want to have sex. So ongoing long running disputes will often result in a loss of sexual intimacy.
4. Chronic long term stress will decrease sexual desire, this could originate from financial worries, problems at work, difficult children, or health problems all effecting the desire to be intimate. Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline which when chronic in nature, physically drains the body and can leave problems with fatigue, insomnia, digestive disorders or chronic headaches.
5. Depression and anxiety - individuals that suffer with these disorders often find that their sex drive drastically reduces, and they lose interest in physical intimacy. Anti-depressant often have a side effect of loss of libido.
6. Dependency issues and loss of independence. We admire and respect individuals that are comfortable in their skin, that are passionate about life, and follow their hobbies and interests with enthusiasm. Some people find that they lose themselves when in a long term relationship. Their comfort zone ever decreasing and their dependance on their partner ever increasing. There is little desire in neediness or dependancy, admiring our partners is very much a part of sexual attraction.
7. Finding yourself stuck in a rut with no new or exciting experiences. Research has shown that novel experiences increase the sex hormones testosterone and oxytocin. When couples stop putting effort into the relationship their time together can feel stale and functional, reducing the desire for one another.

In tomorrows post I will discuss ways to improve emotional and physical intimacy.

Divorce Statistics 2018

 Divorce Statistics

There were five times more divorces in 2018 than in the 1950's - so what is causing this alarming rise in divorce? Co-Op Legal Services have recently run a study to uncover the main reasons cited by divorcing couples.

Findings show that  58% of women initiate Divorce and only 33% of men. The most common reason 42% of women give for divorce is " an inapproprate relationship with someone else". While for 42% of men the most common reason given is "Growing apart".

The Top Ten reason for Divorce are - 

1. An inappropriate relationship with someone else.
2. Growing Apart
3. Falling out of love.
4. No longer fancy their partner.
5. One wanting children while the other doesn't.
6. Work commitments.
7. Drug or alcohol addiction.
8. One wanting to relocate.
9. Nothing left in common.
10. Illness.

Most couples that enter counselling are long over due for help. Recent studies have shown that the couples will often struggle for at least 6 years before seeking help. With far more men that women reticent to seek counselling support. 

I believe the main reason couples struggle with the idea of counselling is that it can make people feel very vulnerable, and some people will do anything to avoid feeling vulnerable. Men in particular often struggle to talk about their emotions and feelings at home, so are very likely to feel particularly stressed at the idea of having to open up to a complete stranger.

What should be remembered is that Relationship Counselling is not about attributing blame to one or other partner, but it is about learning new tools so that you cam improve your communication and intimacy. It's about learning how to love.

Most people have never been given any education or training on how relationships work best, with most learning through trial and error. Relationships can get stuck in a rut of negative communication with an ever growing number of stored hurt and resentment. 

Counselling allows you to hit the reset button, to move forward with positivity and hope. To learn each other's language and get the best out of one another. 

The majority of couples I work with wish they had looked for support years earlier. The counselling environment is peaceful and calm and mutually supportive. It is natural to feel stressed initially but people say that their nerves quickly dissolve and that they actually start to enjoy the process. Finally finding a productive way forward rather than continuing in acrimony.

Don't let your relationship become another statistic. All relationships take effort, consistency and patience. Relationship counselling works, over 90% of the couples I worked with last year are happier as a result. Don't put off getting help for another year, act now as the longer you leave it the more ingrained the problems become. Make 2019 your year of change.