2020 Should I stay or should I go?

'Should I stay or should I go now?

If I stay there will be trouble

If I go there will be double 

So come on and let me know 

Should I cool it or should I blow? '

This dilemma sung so eloquently by The Clash is a question asked by many of my clients at the start of the New Year. 

In my opinion, with the exception of abusive relationships ALL couples should try counselling before making the decision to end their relationship. You have nothing to lose and absolutely everything to gain. 

If you chose to leave a relationship without processing that relationship together, and looking at how the problems have arisen, then there is a strong danger of moving into another relationship where you just recreate the same issues with someone new.

I believe that we attract the people into our lives that will teach us the lessons that we need to learn. Rather than running away from the challenges that your partner presents, there is huge emotional growth in owning your part in the story. Choosing to look at how and why you relate to others in the way you do takes courage, but is wonderfully rewarding. 

It is rarely ever just one person that breaks a relationship, and by owning your part in the problem you can become part of the solution.

The majority of couples that commit to the process of counselling, succeed in becoming closer, more connected and ultimately happier. They learn how to lovingly communicate, and how to listen.  They learn to make time for each other and to prioritise the relationship. They learn their own and their partner's emotional triggers, and how best to navigate them. They learn the importance of vulnerability, forgiveness and emotional expression. 

The sessions ultimately teach the art of love, and loving well is something that can and should be learnt by all of us. 

At the end of our lives it is the quality of our loving relationships that we will treasure most. Not financial wealth or time at the office, but the shared memories of a life based in love. 

We are not taught in schools and Universities how to love well, but there are valuable lessons that can be learnt quickly and easily that will have a powerful effect on the quality of your relationship.

Make 2020 the year you invest in each other it will be the most important investment you ever make.

When your relationship is in crisis it can be a good time to recalibrate your work/life balance

Work/Life Balance

There are certain professions that show up time and time again in my practise as the sectors where weekly working hours are so long it leaves no time for a quality relationship.

Doctors/Surgeons/Consultants

Barristers

Accountants

Company Owners / Directors

Teachers

Not only do the sheer number of hours worked make it impossible for quality alone time, but also when a person is working ridiculously long hours they are completely depleted by the end of the week and have no energy left to bring to their relationship. 

Add to long working hours the crazy extracurricular activities of most children these days, and there often is virtually no time left for each other. 

Imagine turning up at a gym with the intension of losing weight and getting fit, and then telling the trainer that you are unable to train weekly because your work takes you away too frequently and you will only be able to dedicate time as and when you have a little free time. You would be told that it is just not possible to get fit unless you are prepared to give regular and consistent time to the program.

It is not unusual for me to be approached by a couple who are 'desperate' for help only to find that attempting to book the first session becomes a mammoth task of who is available when. If they do manage to book the first session, the difficulty reamerges trying to book session number two, as again there is 'just so little free time'. 

So what these couples are saying is that their relationships are in crisis, and they are desperate to fix it, but unfortunately they have no time in which to start the process. 

Relationships require regular and consistent quality time. If you and your partner are like passing ships in the night then at some point those ships are going to sink.

There is nothing more important in life than the quality of our relationships with our loved ones. At the end of our lives we will not lament the time we failed to spend in the office. But will you whole heartedly be able to say you took the time to have fun, play, learn about, and enjoy the company of the most important person in your life. 

 Make 2020 the year you make space for the quality time your relationship deserves.

Memory Making: Start the year organising 3 trips away for you and your parter, spaced out throughout the year. Book them in advance, block out the time in your diary, arranging childcare if necessary. Make the trips at least one overnight, if possible more. The feel good factor generated by a weekend away can leave a smile and a spring in your step for a long time after. 

Staggering statistics that show how mobile phone usage is destroying our relationships.

The average British person uses their mobile phone for 3 hours per day.

The average British teenager uses social media for 4.5 hours per day.

The average British couple talk for less than half an hour a day.

16% of couples surveyed said they have no quality time with their partners at all. 

The average mealtime in the uk lasts for 21 minutes and is eaten in front of a screen.

In order to maintain a healthy relationship couples need to learn to step away from their screens and turn towards each other. Where possible phones should be put on silent and put away each evening to give space to connect, listen, and give each other undivided attention. 

Phones are not necessary in the bedroom.

Phones are not necessary while watching a film.

Phones are not necessary while on a walk.

Phones on not necessary while on holiday. 

Phones are not necessary in the bathroom.

Phones should not be the first thing you reach for in the morning.

Phones should not be the last thing you look at at night.

Mobile phone addiction is becoming a real problem. A recent study by Deloitte showed that 40% of adults feel they use their phones far too much and this statistic rises to over 50% for 16-24year olds.

Over 90% of the couples I see mention mobile phone usage as a problem in their relationship. 

Try to put your phone away every evening and watch the improvement in your relationship. 

What is an emotional bank account and how can it help in times of trouble?

Saving for a Rainy day

If you save into a bank account on a consistent and regular basis you are safe in the knowledge that should trouble hit you can dip into these savings to see you through.

So it is with an emotional bank account. Being attentive and turning towards one another on a daily basis allows you to accumulate 'good-will' that will help you to find strength and resolve in troubled times. 

All relationships have times when they become strained and it is in these times of trouble that you will need to reach into the investments you have made in each other and the relationship to carry you through the rough patch. 

Investing in an emotional bank account takes consistent effort every day to notice, acknowledge, show kindness, appreciation, help, support, offer affection, listen and make time for one another. These little daily kindnesses pay dividends, and stand as a daily reminder that both are loved and cared for.

A cup of tea in bed, a lie in on the weekend, a genuine compliment, a thoughtful gift, listening, fully engaging when spoken to, a head massage, a warm hug, a loving text, a loving post-it note left on the mirror. All these actions take such small amounts of time but make a huge difference in the environment of the relationship. They keep your emotional bank account topped up for use when you hit bumps in the road.