The Four Horseman
Watch for the four horseman in your communication with one another
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism - There is a big difference between criticism and complaint. Complaint addresses the specific actions while a criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality. Criticism is very common in relationships so in itself is not a predictor of divorce however as it becomes more and more prevalent it leads the way to the other more destructive horsemen.
Contempt - comes in many forms sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, mockery, eye-rolling, hostile humour, sneering and mockery. Contempt will never lead to reconciliation but will only serve to heighten acrimony. Contempt comes from long running negative thoughts about your partner, and this tends to happen when issues are not successfully resolved.
Defensiveness - It is hardly surprising that a relationship high in criticism and contempt is also going to see the presence of defensive behaviour. But the problem with defensiveness is that it is really a way of saying it is not my fault it's yours. Defensiveness dismisses what has been said. Defensiveness rarely leads to the other partner backing down or apologising so it never achieves a positive outcome.
Stonewalling - As criticism, contempt and defensiveness increase the final horseman will arrive and that is stonewalling or tuning out. When a person becomes emotionally flooded by their partners verbal attack they will reach a stage where they numb themselves and tune out. By shutting down he or she is trying to avoid a fight but in reality it shuts out their partner completely. Stonewalling is something that tends to arrive later in a marriage when criticism, contempt and defensiveness have taken a persistent hold in communication.
The antidotes for these four horseman are -
Criticism, can be avoided with a soft start up. Talk about how you feel and what you need rather than your partners failings. Focus on 'I' statements rather than 'You' statements. For example 'I feel really frustrated and disrespected when your clothes are left all over the floor. What I need is for you to please try and put them away after you. Rather than 'You are so lazy and messy, you leave your clothes everywhere and just don't care about me at all.'
Contempt- the antidote for contempt is to build an environment of appreciation. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your partner rather than the negatives.
Defensiveness - the antidote for defensiveness is to take responsibility. Try and see your partners perspective on the situation and when necessary give a genuine apology.
Stonewalling - the antidote to stonewalling is to take some time out to calm down and self-sooth. A time out should be at least 25 mins long and should be spent doing a relaxing activity not sitting ruminating on the problem. Stonewalling happens when a person is emotionally flooded and their heart rate has risen above 100 beats per minutes. Generally men take a little longer to calm down once flooded. Once you have taken a time out you can return to the conversation with a fresh and calmer perspective.
