A persistent lack of effort, is the quickest way to kill a relationship

Effort

Answer the following questions to see if a lack of effort is adversely effecting your relationship -

1. Do you regularly spend quality alone time with your partner?
2. Do you make time in the year for a couple of mini- breaks alone?
3. Do you put thought and planning into any gifts you buy your partner?
4. Do you regularly support your partner with acts of kindness?
5. Do you fairly share household tasks?
6. Do you take time to think of ways you can be a help and support to your partner?
7. Do you take time with your appearance to look good for your partner? 
8. Do you take time to actively listen to your partner when they have a problem?
9. Do you regularly take time to talk and share feelings and news with your partner?
10. Do you make an effort on special occasions like anniversaries, Christmas and birthdays?
11. Do you make an effort to keep the romance alive in your relationship?
12. Is your relationship a priority in your life?

The success we achieve is in direct proportion to the effort we put in. How successful would you be at work if you gave no effort? How would your fitness be effected if you rarely exercised? What would happen to your friendships if you didn't take time to contact and spend time with them?

So why is it that so many couples seem to think that their relationship can survive with little or no attention and effort? Your partner should be one of the most important people in your life. If the questions above left you realising that you are putting very little effort into your relationship you can start immediately to change this. Thats the wonderful thing about this problem is that it can be  effectively addressed straight away.

Make time in your weekly schedual for each other, surprise each other with gifts. Take time away just the two of you, help and support one another with household tasks. Take time to notice and compliment. Leave loving notes in unexpected places, cook together, take walks and baths together. Keep the romance alive. Get home from work at a reasonable hour so that you have time every evening together. Meet for lunch. Take time to think about personal gifts for birthdays and anniversaries. Make time for talking, keep in touch with one another thoughts and feelings. Make time for intimacy, play and laughter. 

What we choose to give both our attention and effort, thrives. Research has shown that it is from our relationships that we get most of our long term happiness and wellbeing. Isn't it about time your relationship receives the effort it deserves?

Do not prioritise your partner to the detriment of yourself

So often I will see a couple where one partner has regularly put the needs of their partner before their own needs, to the detriment of their own lives.

Helping others is kind and supportive and is positive when it is something that is done freely with no resentment. But regularly turning away from your own needs to fulfil the needs of those around you, can lead to emptiness, loss of desire, anxiety and depression.

We are taught from a young age that helping and supporting others is selfless and therefore something that we should strive for. Think for a moment about when you were last on a plane. The Air stewardess will tell parents to put the oxygen mask on themselves first before putting it on their children. Why? Because what help would you be to your child if you collapse while applying their oxygen.

However, this is what I see regularly in my practise. Individuals that have never learnt the importance of self-care. Non-confrontational individuals are often very quick to back away from their own needs if to continue to step forward is likely to cause tension or acrimony.

Learning how to have these difficult conversations when your needs are opposing that of your partner, is key to a happy relationship. If one partner regularly wins an argument, there will, by default, be a loser. The person that gives in, or allows the other party to have their own way time and again will be left with increasing resentments. This resentment will often show itself in a slow withdrawal from the relationship and a widening void between the couple.

Not getting your needs met on a regular basis is often the precursor to physical and mental destress, and will lead to a very unfulfilling relationship. We should all recognise that it is important to feel heard, understood and acknowledged. But some individuals find it incredibly difficult to speak up, so their partners are left oblivious to their growing resentments.

I teach my clients a style of communication which allows both sides to feel heard and understood. As it is only from a position of fully understanding each other's perspective that you can begin to find a mutually agreeable solution. A win / win, which allows both sides to feel that their needs are being heard and addressed. This communication style provides a safe and calm space for even the most non-confrontational person to feel comfortable to step forward.

Remember never give to another if it is ever to the detriment of your own life, as it will only ever lead to long term dissatisfaction and distress.

Parenting mistakes that will damage your relationship

Parenting mistakes that will damage your relationship.

Many of the couples that I see in my practise are in the parents with young children category. This is hardly surprising, as wonderful as they are, children can place a huge strain on a relationship. Sleep deprivation, demanding extra-currivular activity timetables, and just the non-stop nature of parenting places an increasing strain on even the happiest of couples.

Parenting is tough and most of the time we learn from trial and error. But what are the ways of parenting that best help to preserve your relationship? 

Listed below is some parenting advise to help keep your relationship happy and healthy throughout the challenging child rearing years.

Sleeping patterns.

Teach your baby to sleep on their own as quickly as possible. I see far too many couples that no longer share the same bed, with one partner taking up almost permanent (or in some cases permanent) residence in their children bed. Not only is this not healthy for the child as they never learn to self soothe, but it dismantles one of the most intimate rituals of a relationship -that of sharing a bed together. Often time choosing to sleep with their child rather than together can be a symptom of a distressed relationship. But other times it can be where the marital problems first begin. Often when asked when their problems first began I will be told around the time that they started sleeping separately. 

Work together to get your baby into a sleeping pattern as quickly as possible. It is always best when this is handled by both parents as some children are difficult sleepers and need much more help in learning how to sleep through the night. Don't give up and regard sleeping with your child as an easier option. By doing this you are making a rod for your own back, and it can create years and years of sleep problems, and will place an increasing strain on your relationship.

Extra-curricular Activities

Stop the madness! Far too many parents I see have crazy extra-curricular activity timetables, with their children doing an activity every night of the week. With more than one child, parents can become like passing ships in the night, taking kids in different directions. Help your child to choose a couple of activities only. If they want to start something new, get them to drop one of the other activities. There are lots of challenges for couples with this problem. Firstly it is hugely expensive and can quickly put a strain on finances, that in itself can require working longer hours. Secondly it dictates all free time, and reduces the amount of quality time spent with one another. Finally it is exhausting, leaving no remaining energy to spend on one another. Kids do not have to be distracted 24/7 it is healthy for them to have some down time, even time to be bored. They will soon learn ways to entertain themselves, kids of most ages can have fun with very little, and downtime has been shown to stimulate creativity.

Taking time for quality alone time together.

It is surprising quite how many couples I see that rarely have a date night and never go away for a night on their own. I appreciate it can be easier for some parents than others depending on the proximity of a support network. But where possible your relationship requires quality alone time to stay happy, healthy and connected. The odd night away a couple of times a year (or more if possible) can really give a tired couple a much needed boost. Leaving your responsibilities at home, you can finally have some rejuvenating down time to reconnect. It can allow you to recreate the freedom and spontaneity of your earlier time together before children. The feel good factor will often last long after the trip has ended. 

Supportive parenting

Decide on a parenting plan together and present a united front going forward. Undermining each other, especially in front of the children can lead to a build up of huge resentment, driving a wedge between you. Deciding on a parenting plan together will require compromise, as often a couple will have very differing views on how to parent. Remember no-one is a perfect parent, doing your best is good enough. Consistency is king, I wish I had learnt this lesson far earlier with the raising of my own three children. NO,NO,NO,NO, oh go on then, teaches them nothing other than the fact your boundaries are weak, and will create more problems going forward. Also remember you are in charge, not the kids. Far too many households these days are ruled by the children rather than the parents. Children going to bed far too late, fussy eaters that require multiple different meals, and a general lack of respect can quickly cause mayhem in a family. Your relationship exists within that family unit and a stressed and unruly family, will ultimately have a negative knock on effects to your relationship.  

Support each other with down time 

Plan a routine where you both have some time off in the week, to use as you please. Whether it is taking it in turns to have a weekend lie-in, or giving each other time to pursue a favourite hobby. It might just be an hour in the bath with a glass of wine, a yoga class or some time with your mates in the pub. Whatever helps you to recharge your batteries. This applies to both parties not just one. Parenting is tough, so supporting each other to have some me alone-time is absolutely vital.

Do not priorities the children to the exclusion of each other

This is more regularly seen with us mothers, becoming a parent for the first time is hugely exciting and life changing with overwhelming feelings of love for your child. However sometimes this love can take priority to the exclusion of all other, with fathers left feeling pushed out or rejected. Remember to make time for each other, taking time each day to talk together, be affectionate, and stay connected. Relationships will quickly wither if given no time or attention, make sure this doesn't happen to you.

The top five character traits to look for in a long term partner

The top five character traits to look for in a long term partner

I work with a lot of individuals that are dating and looking for a new relationship. I am regularly asked what I think are the most important characteristics to look for in a new partner. Here are my top 5 character traits for long term relationship happiness:

Kindness and Empathy - This pairing is always found together and is one of the most important traits to look for in a prospective partner. Kindness is so underrated as a quality, but vitally important for the long term happiness of a relationship. Kindness and empathy shows care and concern for the other. Empathy connects, and provides the ability to see the other person's perspective which is so important when resolving disputes. Empathy seeks to understand not to dominate. 

Integrity - is dependable, honest, repectful, constant and responsible. An individual with integrity reacts with consistency what ever the circumstance. They hold their character whatever the company. They stand firm in who they are and what they believe, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be to do so.  They are honourable and hold firm to a strong moral code. The stability and steadfastness of integrity will provide a strong foundation for a healthy and honest relationship.

Emotional Intelligence - It is very important to a relationship that both partners have emotional intelligence. This is the ability to read our own emotions and the emotions of others and is necessary for empathy. Emotionally intelligent individuals are comfortable in the world of emotions and are able to speak freely and openly about their feelings. Being able to read the emotions of our partner is key to connection. A lack of emotional intelligence will ultimately lead to repeated misunderstandings and frustration.

Self-esteem - It is very important that both partners have good self-esteem, and understand their own needs and how best to keep themselves happy and healthy. An individual without self-esteem can have the tendency to place the needs of others above their own, even if it is to their own detriment. Individuals that practise self-love have learnt to take care of themselves and recognise that they are the masters of their own destiny. They take responsibility for themselves and do not rely on others to keep them happy. An individual will self-esteem will recognise the importance of looking after their own physical and mental wellbeing, allowing them to stand shoulder to shoulder in a relationship rather than co-dependently entwined.

Hard-working - relationships take effort, and effort takes work. How ever well suited you are to your partner if you don't learn to put effort into your relationship, with time it will lose its shine. Relationships require consistent attention and time. Relationships require thought - how best can I show my love, how can I keep the relationship fresh? Birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions require effort and attention. The responsibilities of running a home requires effort and work, and when this is one-sided can quickly create resentment and acrimony. Parenting is hard work. So choosing a partner who is not afraid of rolling up their sleeves and sharing the load is vitally important to relationship happiness.  

The importance of empathy to relationship happiness

The importance of empathy to relationship happiness.

" If we hope to meet the moral tests of our times then I think we are going to have to talk more about The Empathy Deficit. The ability to put ourselves somebody else's shoes, to see the world through somebody else's eyes...."

Empathy is the greatest tool for connection. It allows people to feel seen, heard and understood. It shows others that we are not only interested and listening but that we care enough to try and understand how it feels to walk in the their shoes, to share both their feelings and their experiences. 

 The definition of a connection is a bond, link or attachment, - we are all innately wired for connection from the moment we draw our first breath. We have a need to feel important in the lives of those close to us, and empathy from others allows us to feel so much more than a surface connection but at a deep and meaningful level. Empathy has the ability to both bond and heal.

Empathy also helps with our ability to forgive others when we feel hurt or wronged. If we are able to understand the reasons why, if we take the time to listen to the other side of the story, (in the case of relationships our partner's perspective) then we are better equipped to offer forgiveness. 

Empathy requires our time, attention and commitment. Taking the time to listen and digest when our partners talk to us. One of the greatest displays of love is giving our time.

Some people naturally have a great deal of empathy, while others struggle to read and understand the emotions of others. If you know yourself to struggle in this area, talk to your partner about it. Tell that you want to improve your emotional intelligence and to learn to read their emotional environment better. 

Watch and study body language, crossed arms show defensiveness, a lowered head can indicate sadness, a jutting chin aggression. Listen, not only the words spoken but the tone they are spoken in. Listen for the space between sentences, that might indicate reflection or an internal struggle to articulate how they feel. Touch, a warm hug or a touch of hand when you can see someone is upset can immediately offer comfort and show care and concern.

Take time to work on developing empathy as it is the quickest route to a deep connection, for a relationship devoid of empathy is a very lonely place to be.

Fail to prepare or prepare to fail.

Happy couples are seeking relationship counselling in preparation for married life.

It is not always distressed couples that seek help with a couples counsellor. I am happy to see that more and more happy couples are looking to work with a couples counsellor to explore and support their relationship prior to getting married. 

Areas that are often explored in pre-marriage couples therapy are - value systems, children and unified parenting, respect, trust, kindness, loving communication and effort. Couples seek help to strengthen their communication skills and their ability to work through conflict in a healthy and supportive manner.

Expectations and individual needs are explored. Couples explore the  love language of their partner based on the powerful work by Gary Chapman. Couples learn how to show their love for their partner in a way that provides maximum impact. 

I am trained in Gottman Therapy which is based on the research of over 3000 couples. John Gottman and his wife Julie have developed what they call The Sound Relationship House. This teaches couples the art of good loving, the importance of consistently turning towards your partner rather than away, conflict management and developing shared life goals and rituals. Gottman has also recognised the behaviours that if left unacknowledged can create the demise of a relationship. These are called the four horseman which are criticism, defence, stonewalling and contempt. 

The importance of kindness and consistent effort is explored in detail, so that couples are well equipped to handling the more challenging areas of married life - for instance in times of ill health, work challenges or  when babies and young children come along! 

Wedding planning often whips a couples into a hedonistic whirlwind with focus on dresses, and cakes, and venues. It it great to see so many couples remembering that after the honeymoon tans have faded married life together begins. Learning the tools of loving well will carry a couple through the rough patches that all relationships hit at one time or another. Being prepared can make the difference between wedding bliss and an unnecessary divorce.

Being part of a couple does not require you to lose your identity

Being part of a couple does not require you 

to lose your identity

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give you hearts but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hands of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kahil Gilbran

It is so easy to stop growing and learning once you are in the comfort of a relationship. But individuality and enthusiasm for life and learning is key to maintaining a passionate romantic relationship.

Mystery keeps passion alive just as functional routine can kill it. Admiring you partner is also key to maintaining attraction. Watching the person you love, passionate and engaged, is wholly attractive. 

Neediness is a passion killer. Take responsibility for your life and your happiness, do not look to your partner to fill your life. Design a life that is stimulating and fulfilling, and that vitality can then be transferred into your romantic relationship.

Learn to stand shoulder to shoulder rather than co-dependntly entwined. Give each other room to breathe while maintaining enough closeness to remain intimately connected.

An exercise to help rebuild connection

An Exercise to help rebuild connection

In relationships that have been damaged by on going acrimony connection becomes lost . Here is an easy and very effective way to start to rebuild the connection, friendship and romance with your partner. 

Begin by both taking a sheet of paper and writing a list of about 20 things you would like your partner to do for you that would help you to feel loved.

This list can include for instance a cup of tea in bed, a 5 minute head massage, a genuine compliment, a morning lie-in, sharing a meal together, going for a short walk holding hands, going to bed naked, taking a shower together, a thoughtful gift. Anything that you feel would help you to feel loved by your partner. 

One you have written the list star the requests that hold most importance to you. Then exchange lists. If there is any request that you really feel unable to do at the present time it is ok to pass on it for now. But hopefully the majority of the list will be agreeable. 

Over the coming weeks gift one of the requests to your partner every day. The receiver should be mindful to be thankful and appreciative. 

Do this every day consistently whether you feel like it or not. I regularly give this exercise to my clients and although they can start off very unsure they regularly comment on how surprised they are at it’s effectiveness. 

In an ailing relationship partners have learnt to turn away from one another creating an ever widening  void between them. This exercise teaches you to consistently turn towards each other, bringing the romance and friendship back into the relationship. 

Discover your emotional triggers.

Discover your emotional triggers.

We are all a product of our childhoods, we all carry emotional scar tissue that when touched reminds us of previous hurts.

In order to discover your own emotional triggers begin by writing a list of the main influential figures from your childhood. The list will include your parents, primary caregivers, siblings, sometimes Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents if prominent in your childhood.

Then write a list of the negative and positive traits of each person. In our adult relationships we are often attracted to people that contain both the positive and negative traits of the main characters from our childhood. These negative traits will be our major emotional triggers. 

For example if you had a parent that was overly critical, then you are likely to react very strongly to criticism from your partner. If you had a controlling or restrictive parent, you are likely to react very strongly if you ever feel you partner is trying to exert control over you. 

However, due to the fact we are often attracted to people that have the negative traits of our parents ( Often because we are comfortable with what we know) we often enter relationships with people that regularly emotionally trigger us. 

By learning what your partners emotional triggers are you can look to better understand each others wounds and begin the journey to heal each other. Learning that your partner struggles with criticism can help you to be very mindful of how you word your communication, staying away from personal or critical attacks of your partners character. 

Also becoming aware of your own triggers allows you to learn strategies to best soothe your own wounds. It can also allow us to teach our partners how they can best support, and minimise attack on our wounds.

I believe we are attracted to the very people that are best able to teach us what we need to learn. 

Working together in this way is hugely powerful, connecting and healing.

Should I stay or Should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

I regularly receive emails from people unsure whether or not to end their relationship or to try and stay together.

I don't think leaving a relationship without properly trying to address the problems you face is ever wise. If you don't try to work through the problems in your current relationship this time around, when you move on to a new relationship you are very likely to come face to face with the same problems again.

Turning to face your problems takes courage but working together can be very connecting and cathartic. A loving relationship takes work, it is a myth that if you find the right person everything is easy. All relationships, however well suited the couple, require consistent effort and quality time. 

Relationship counselling will teach you how to reconnect, how to communicate so that you both feel heard, and how to work through to mutually agreeable solutions so that you are no longer going round and around in circles with the same destructive arguments. 

There is an art to loving well. So many people think that love should carry you through, forgetting that love is a verb. Being told that you are loved means little if you don't feel loved. 

Relationship counselling forces couples to prioritise each other, to finally turn towards each other rather than away. If you feel that you have fallen out of love, know that you absolutely can fall back into love. 

Just look at what consitutes the honeymoon stage of a relationship - a lot of quality time together, affection, kindness, long loving talks, emotional and sexual intimacy, thinking about one another when apart, prioritising each other, romantic weekends away, regular loving texts. 

What constitutes a relationship in distress, - loss of emotional and sexual intimacy, not prioritising each other, spending little quality time together, thinking about work and children rather than each other, regularly turning away from each other, looking for the negatives rather than the positives, regular criticism and a general lack of care. 

Anything worthwhile takes time and effort. Our Relationships can teach us our greatest life lessons. Leaving without fully exploring the alternative is to pass up a huge opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth.