Why women are the main instigators of divorce.

 Did you know that over 65% of divorces are instigated by wives. So why are women so much more dissatisfied with the state of their relationships than men?  From the many couples I see I believe the answer largely lies in a lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and more importantly a total lack of understanding of what emotional and physical intimacy is.

Emotional intimacy is the connection between a couple that includes empathy, understanding, being open with your thoughts and feelings, reading each others emotions, showing an interest in how each other feels  sharing worries and shames, being vulnerable, showing and talking about your emotions, being present, noticing, caring, showing up for each other, having each other's backs.

I love the quote by Esther Perel ' Foreplay begins at the end of the last orgasm". 

Physical intimacy is far from being just about sex, it is about physical closeness and displays of affection. It can be seen in a knowing look, a warm smile, reaching for your partners hand, a warm embrace, stoking, admiring, sitting close to one another, touching, playing, a lingering kiss. It is an open expression of your feelings for one another. 

Love is a verb, and should be actively shown on a daily basis. 

Women regularly express to me that what they are looking for is to be seen, known, and understood. 

Countless times in January I will be contacted by a despairing wife who has received a Christmas present that was the last straw. A coffee maker for a women that doesn't drink coffee, a blue silk scarf for a women who has for years spoken of her dislike of blue, a balloon ride for a women afraid of heights. The message that these often well-meaning gifts have sent out to the women who receive them is, ' after all these years together I feel like you don't know me at all'.

Women don't always make it easy for men, their hurt born from a lack of intimacy can play out in harsh criticism and judgment that only leads men to retreat faster. How can a man show his soft and vulnerable underbelly when he feels as if he is already failing to make his partner happy? 

We all desire to be known, deeply known and cared for. Emotional and physical intimacy creates that intimate knowledge and understanding that sets your romantic relationship apart from all other relationships in your life. 

Intimacy is not easy for some people. Opening up emotionally can create feelings of intense vulnerability, leaving people feeling exposed to being hurt or rejected. Intimacy requires trust, patience and kindness and for many people the art of intimacy needs to be learnt. 

The good news is that it is never too late to learn the tools for emotional and physical intimacy. I have worked with many couples that have redefined their relationship developing far greater passion and connectedness with simple tools that can be easily learnt and make a huge difference.

At some point during the process there is often a 'lightbulb moment' and that sudden realisation and understanding creates meaningful and lasting change in their relationship.

The reasons behind why lockdown is creating a surge in couples seeking divorce - and how to avoid it happening to you.

Lockdown has created a surge in the numbers seeking divorce. With so many couples thinking lockdown would allow for greater quality time, and less external pressures what has gone wrong for so many couples?

Household tasks

Not only has there been a rise in divorce since the Pandemic but there has been a sharp rise in divorce instigated by women. Many women have complained that the increase in pressure brought about by home schooling and an increase in household tasks such as washing, cooking and cleaning has created a build up of stress and resentment when finding most of the responsibility has fallen on their shoulders. 

Solution

Look to hold a weekly Sunday evening meeting for 20 minutes where you discuss the week ahead and fairly allocate a split of household tasks. Do not agree to take on any tasks that you cannot complete, as failure to do what you have promised will lead to a build up of resentment and a breakdown in trust. Look to take it in turns to have a lie-in on weekends to recover and refuel. 

If you have children don't forget to give each of them age appropriate tasks such as dog walking or keeping their rooms tidy, to help ease the load. 

Loss of emotional connection.

A regular complaint from couples is that lockdown has highlighted the lack of emotional connection in their relationship. A busy routine with work and extracurricular activities can easily mask a growing emotional void within a relationship, but with lockdown forcing many couples to spend large amounts of time together, lack of communication and closeness has suddenly become all too evident. 

Solution

Look to change the environment of your relationship - practise small acts of kindness, a loving text, a genuine compliment, a loving note left on a mirror, are all small reminders of the love you have for one another. Take time out at the end of the day away from technology and children to chat to one another about anything and everything. Look to talk to one another about your inner thoughts and feeling and not purely functional conversations about your day. Limit your phone use when you are together, and keep the bedroom as a phone free zone. Take time to cook and eat together whenever possible, take walks together, play board games or complete a puzzle together. Emotional intimacy takes consistent effort every day, decide today to take the time to show your are love for one another.

Poor communication 

Couples that struggle to resolve problems and to find mutually agreeable solutions have experienced worsening tensions due to lockdown. John Gottman has highlighted the need to watch out for what he calls The four horseman in your communication. Gottman has shown that relationships that exhibit high levels of Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling are more likely to end in divorce. 

Solution 

Remember there is not a right and wrong perspective but two perspectives. Allow room for your differences, and try to find mutually agreeable solutions. If an argument becomes heated take time out to cool down for at least half an hour, so that you can come back with a calmer and clearer perspective. Avoid criticism as it breeds defensiveness. Be careful of the tone of voice used as an aggressive or patronising tone can be very emotionally triggering. Reflecting back what your partner has said can be very calming as it shows that you have listened and understood. 

Conflicting Parenting Styles

Having children home 24/7 and home schooling has placed increasing pressure on couples that have very different parenting styles. 

Solution

It is a golden rule of parenting that you should always have each others back in front of the children. Any disagreements can be resolves later, out of their earshot. Make room and try to be accepting of your different styles of parenting. There is no magic formula and just as children have to adapt to different styles of teaching they also quickly learn to understand the differences in their parents. Agree on the basics, bedtime routine, mealtimes, screen time, consequences for poor behaviour, and then step back and try not to judge the differences you both bring to parenting. Support one another and appreciate the different qualities that you bring to the table.

Deterioration of  underlying mental illness

Covid and lockdown has brought with it an avalanche of mental health disorders. Rates of anxiety and depression are at an all time high, and if your partner is a sufferer it is likely to put your relationship under ever increasing strain. We are all responsible for our own well-being, but some individuals do not take an active role in managing their condition, and instead take out their angst on the people closest to them. 

Solution

If you suffer with your mental health now is the time to increase your self care. Daily exercise, meditation and a healthy diet are of upmost importance in these times of great stress. Speak to your Doctor or Health Care Provider about medication if symptoms become increasing difficult to manage. Therapy works very well via zoom and can be invaluable in providing extra tools and support. 

Make sure you don't fall into the trap of self-medication with alcohol, drugs, gaming or gambling. Limit your alcohol use to stay within health guidelines, and try to get out in nature every day as it has been shown to have a very positive impact on mental health and wellbeing.