The Power of Empathy

Empathy

Nothing will connects you to your partner with greater strength than taking the time to understand and  share their feelings. 

We all seek to be seen and understood by the people we love.

In order to empathise you have to take the time to listen without agenda, without trying to dominate with your own views and without defence.  

For a moment you must hold your partners words with nothing more than care and interest. Kindness and a willingness to walk in another's shoes heals at a very deep level.

To understand the importance of empathy for human connection lets take a look at the opposite of empathy - apathy, indifference, disinterest, insensitivity, disregard and coldness. None of which will help you build a happy and loving relationship.

Seek first to understand.

Try making anything a success without this magic ingredient

Quality Time 

Why do so many couples struggle to make time for each other and then wonder why their relationship is failing?

We prioritise what is important, if you are allowing no time for each other what are you saying about your priorities?

If you spent no time each week with your children, you would be seen as neglectful. But I regularly see couples who literally spend no quality alone time together in a week.

Make a commitment today to reorganise your timetable to make room for your relationship in your life, every day. 

At the very least start by eating meals together, and sleeping in the same bed. 

Please remember, neglected relationships fail.

How to immediately improve your connection to your partner.

Put Away your Mobile phone

Over 95% of the couples I see have a complaint about their partner's over use of their mobile phone.

Repeated complaints are

• Spending time on their phone while watching television together.
• Overuse of social media, mainly facebook and instagram.
• Always having the phone switched on for work and immediately responding to any incoming email or phone call.
• Overuse of their phone while away together on holiday.
• Surfing on their phone while in bed together at night.
• Taking their phone everywhere - even into the bathroom.

I suggest to all couples that mobile phone should be silenced and put aside at the start of the evening and left alone until morning. 

Every time you pick up your mobile phone when you are in the presence of your partner you are effectively saying "what is on this phone is more important than connection with you". 

Mobile phone checking can quickly become an addiction with a recent survey suggesting the average Brit checks their phones an average of 28 times a day that is at least once per hour, more than 10,000 times per year!!

Put away your phones in the evening and reach for connection, talk about your day, go for a walk together, play a board game, cook a meal together. 

Happy couples stay connected, they spend quality time together and take the time to really know each other. Turn off your phone today and watch the immediate difference it makes to your relationship.

It is important not to confuse unconditional love with an unconditional relationship

It is important not to confuse unconditional love with an unconditional relationship.

The love a parent feels towards their child is often referred to as unconditional love. Regardless of the conditions, their love remains a constant. Unconditional love can also be declared within romantic love. That at all times and in all circumstances, there is an underlying sense of love towards each other.

It is however very important that regardless of your feelings of unconditional love you recognise that a healthy relationship requires boundaries, mutual respect, and kindness. Unconditional love should not mean ' however you treat me, however unkind and disrespectful you are, I will remain in this relationship because I unconditionally love you'.

Love given on those terms will quickly unbalance a relationship, respect will be diminished, and it leaves open season for all kinds of unacceptable behaviour. 

The minute you start giving to another to the detriment of your own wellbeing, your relationship is entering unhealthy territory. 

How can you expect respect from another if you do not show respect to yourself.

You can still love someone while firmly upholding your boundaries. 

You can still love someone, while realising it is unhealthy for you to remain in a relationship with them. Sometimes the people we love treat us unkindly, or disrespectfully and in these circumstances if they are unwilling or unable to change, it is healthy, however difficult it may be, to step away from the relationship. Sometimes this will give the other person time to reflect on your position and realise that they need to change their behaviour if they would like the relationship to continue. 

Stepping away from an unhealthy relationship should never be regarded as failure. This is knowing how best to take care of yourself. Taking responsibility for the relationships that you choose to have in your life. Learning to own your part in every relationship you have in your life, is hugely empowering. 

Remember that in the long term allowing someone to treat you badly, does not best serve you or the other person. 

Know your needs and communicate them to your partner

Why it is important to work out your individual needs.

We all have individual needs when it comes to our relationship but many people have not taken the time to work out what they are. 

Take some time now, to sit alone with a piece of paper, and think about your life and what it is that you have learnt about yourself. What do you enjoy doing and what don't you like?

We all have basic need: food, water, shelter, safety, love and connection, but beyond that our needs are specific to us. 

Within a relationship we all have very different needs, what are yours?

Do you like a lot of physical affection? Are you and an introvert or an an extrovert? Do you need a lot of time alone? Do you like routine, or crave adventure and spontaneity? Do you have a high sex drive? Do you like deep intellectual conversations? Do you like spending a lot of your spare time with your partner? Is fun and humour important to you? Is romance important to you? 

Ideally when a couple first meet they will take the time to explore their needs to check if they are suitably matched. Where you don't align, can suitable compromises be made, or are your needs just far too different to be happy together?

Although the saying goes that opposites attract, the research shows that you are in fact far more likely to be happy with a partner who is similar.

Most people need to live a life true to their moral code. If your partner's morals are different this is likely to cause great acrimony, as we find it very hard to respect and admire people who don't adhere to our beliefs of what is right or wrong.

Take the time to know yourself, ask yourself searching questions about how you want to live your life and what you need from a partner. Own your findings, they are yours and true to you. It doesn't matter how others choose to live their life, or what films or advertisements portray, your needs are yours alone.

When we have not taken the time to establish our own needs within a relationship, we can focus all our attentions on making sure our partner's needs are met. Over time turning away from our own needs will lead to emptiness, a lack of fulfilment, anxiety or depression.

It is important to respect and support the needs of your partner when possible, but never to the detriment of your own needs. That will only lead to a build up of resentment.

Remember that a healthy relationship is the coming together of two individuals who stand shoulder to shoulder respecting each others differences, not the fusing or entwining into one unit.