Often I will see couples in crisis where neurodiversity has not been recognised by either partner. Neurodiversity although growing in awareness, is still a poorly understood condition. I was born in the 70’s and it certainly wasn’t picked up in schools then, unless the symptoms were very extreme. Often individuals with asd go unnoticed in the school system as many are academically very able so fly under the radar.
However often Autistic adults will recall not liking school struggling to fit in and finding the environment very stressful. It is at this time that most individuals with asd learn to mask to fit in with their peers. Anxiety depression, eating disorders and struggles with addiction can emerge at this time especially with the transition from primary school to secondary school or secondary school to university.
If neurodiversity isn’t picked up in school it is very unlikely to be picked up at university or in a work environment. This means that many individuals with Autism are entering adult relationships without knowing that they have the condition.
Many autistic adults are highly successful often thriving in their careers ( medicine, finance, law, engineering, computer programming, business, and research can be chosen fields). However it is in their romantic relationship that the disability often shows itself.
It is not unusual for partners of autistic individuals to suggest to me that they think their partners are narcissistic. Which is heartbreaking when it is clear that what is actually present is autism.
So why are partners suggesting narcissism? Often there will be a number of hurts that have accumulated when the autistic partner has failed to act in a neurotypical way usually in emotionally charged situation. When expectations are not met a harsh dialogue develops. Words such as cold, uncaring, disinterested, only interested in work, and selfish begin to be aimed at the Autistic partners. When what I am seeing is often completely the opposite. Highly emotional and painfully sensitive individuals who struggle to read the environment and are literally blind to what is required of them emotionally . The growing criticism increases their sensitivity and will often lead to further withdrawal from the relationship. They are often confused by their partners emotions and often complain of feeling they can do nothing right. The hurt neuro-typical partner will grow increasingly angry and resentful and cyclical rows will develop or worse still both will withdrawal to their individual corners.
Alexithymia which often comes alongside Autism can further add to the challenges. Not being able to articulate how they are feeling means often the asd partner is unable to repair or explain themselves and so the distance between the couple grows further.
One thing that is abundantly clear in my work with neurodiversity is that Autistic individuals are definitely not cold and uncaring, they feels things very deeply often so deeply they become completely overwhelmed by their emotions and the only way to cope is to shut down. The face of an autistic individual will often not show the emotional struggle and pain which is going on beneath the surface.
In one session when Autism is recognised and understood, I have seen the narrative of the neuro-typical partner immediately soften. When the disability is understood the hurts begin to dissolve and compassion begins to take its place.
Suddenly there is a reason for inflexible thinking, needing a lot of alone time, intimacy struggles, struggling with emotional expression, social anxiety, stress when travelling, disliking surprises, struggling with present giving, emotional overwhelm, obsessive special interests, blunt delivery and black and white thinking.
With the understanding of the different brain wiring suddenly couples are given a key to finally access one another to repair the hurts and to at last start to connect.
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