How adhd effects Relationships

 Adhd stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and it is one of the most common  neurodevelopmental disorders that is present from childhood ( although often not diagnosed until much later in life). Everyone with adhd presents slightly differently, as the saying goes " If you've met one person with adhd you've met one person with adhd'. It is definitely not a one size fits all condition. 

The main symptoms are restlessness ( mental or physical or both), impatience, bluntness, emotional sensitivity especially sensitive to criticism, procrastination, disorganised, lack of attention to detail, talking too much, impulsive, indecisive, forgetful, can lose things often, lack of a filter, constant busyness as if driven by a motor, daydreaming, difficulty focusing unless interested then can hyper-focus, emotional dysregulation, quick to anger, sensory processing disorder, time blindness, poor executive function skills  (the inability to plan, focus attention, remember instructions and manage time), procrastination, many ideas but problem with follow through, lack of motivation, struggle to switch off a very busy mind, sleep problems, can cause addiction issues ( alcohol, shopping, sugar, computer gaming, work), rapidly fluctuating moods, trouble staying focused during conversations often interrupting or talking over the other person. Individuals with adhd are more likely to suffer with low self-esteem, anxiety or depression. 

The positives of the condition are many, with great imagination and creativity, emotional sensitivity, interpersonal intuition, energetic enthusiasm, hyper-focus, courageous, good at multi-tasking, zest for life, spontaneous, great conversational skills and resilience. People with adhd often have a unique perspective and are often very quick thinking. 

This is a long list, and no-one with adhd is likely to tick every box. What is important is understanding how it effects you. Knowledge is power with neurodiverse conditions and especially when trying to manage relationships. 

Some people with the condition have add rather than adhd, which is adhd minus the hyperactivity. 

Firstly it is important to note that just because a person has adhd does not mean that they are therefore responsible for all the difficulties that occur in their relationship. Everyone brings their own emotional baggage to a relationship. However there are problems that can occur more frequently when a partner has adhd, and it is good to be aware of these problems, so that you can learn tools to navigate them. Below are some of the most common problems I see that occur in a relationship effected by adhd - 

Parent- child dynamic

When the individual with adhd struggles with executive functioning skills often they are very forgetful, procrastinate, and can be disorganised and careless. As the relationship develops often their partner will find themselves having to constantly remind and organise in order to get things done. The neurotypical partner will often complain that they feel like they are the parent in the relationship or that it is like having an extra child. The partner with adhd will often complain that they are constantly being criticised and nagged and can't do anything right. This is not a healthy dynamic and can lead to a lot of stored up resentments in both partners. 

Feeling unheard

Often partners of individuals with adhd will complain that they feel unseen and unheard. That they feel their partner is disinterested when they speak and rarely listen to what is being said. They complain of having to repeat instructions or reminding about upcoming events. They also complain of being interrupted and talked over. That their adhd partner will rarely let them finish a sentence without interuption or impatience. Impatience and struggling to focus are two of the main symptoms of adhd which can very quickly lead to a complete breakdown in communication between a couple and much stored resentment. Good communication is the foundation for any relationship and this is often very negatively effected in the presence of an adhd mind. 

Emotional sensitivity and dysregulation

Individuals with adhd are often highly emotionally sensitive, feeling everything with extreme intensity. A lot of individuals with adhd also suffer with rsd which stands for rejection sensitivity dysphoria. This coupled with the fact that a lot of neurodiverse individuals also struggle with very low self-esteem, can mean that they are highly reactive communicators. The slightest criticism can create a huge explosive reaction or a complete shutdown both of which are very difficult for their partner to cope with. These explosions can pass through quickly but the damage is done, and individuals with adhd can sometimes expect their partners to recover at the speed they do. I will often hear from the neurothypical partners that they feel like they are walking on eggshells and that they often won't raise issues for fear of their partner's reaction. Again this means that resentments are being stored unresolved. A further complication is that adhd individuals can be very blunt with their delivery to others which can feel very hypocritical when they themselves are so sensitive to what other say to them.

Workaholism and other addictions

It is suggested that adhd is caused by a lack of dopamine and therefore activities or substances that create dopamine are going to be highly attractive to those with adhd. We are often attracted to what we are good at and the adhd brain often thrives in a work environment ( if you have found a career that interests you). Work can calm the overactive adhd brain by keeping it active and stimulated, and this often leads to work addiction. Alcohol, sugar, nicotine and caffeine are also substances loved by the adhd brain as are the activities of shopping ( often impulse buying)  and computer gaming. Having an active addiction is like having a third person in a relationship and that third person takes priority and gets the majority of the attention. This can often leave the neurotypical partner feeling neglected and unimportant. Work addiction in particular is an addiction that gets very little press but can cause significant damage to relationships, with partners often feeling that while their partners work they are left carrying the majority of childcare and household tasks. This quickly leads to a build up of resentment. 

Not being Present

Always being on the go with a restless energy and mind can mean that a person with adhd rarely feels at peace. They find holidays hard and either take their work with them or find it very difficult to switch off and relax. I will often hear partners of individuals with adhd complain about feeling very disconnected from their partner complaining and that it feels like their partner constantly lives in their head and are rarely ' in the room'. It is difficult not to take it personally and partners are often left feeling neglected and unloved. Often an individual with adhd can be so restless mentally that they fail to pick up signs that their partner needs comfort or support. 

Consistently inconsistent 

Adhd can present with rapidly changing moods and also an ever changing mind. Decisions that are written in stone one day can be cast to the wind the next. Plans are made one day and dropped the next when the adhd mind has moved on to the next topic of interest. Hobbies are started and dropped, and diy jobs left unfinished. This ever changing weather system that is the adhd mind can be very difficult to live with both for the sufferer and for their partner. 

All these problems are solvable with the right understanding and tools. adhd can bring layers of intensity, excitement and magic to a relationship when well managed, but can cause huge challenges when unrestrained. 

In a  relationship where neurodiversity is present we need to learn to look with kindness and curiosity rather than criticism and blame. The neurodiverse relationship contains two brains that operate very differently. It does not mean one brain is right and one is wrong, just different. Once neurodiversity is properly understood by the neurotypical partner often the narrative softens and expectations change. Both sides need to work together to better understand one another. It is not just the job of the neurotypical partner to navigate and understand the neurodiversity. Both partners need to learn a better understanding of one another and this can only be achieved by making an effort and doing the work. Relationships are often not easy, they take work, but I have seen many neurodiverse relationships transformed when constant commitment is applied and the different wiring of the brains fully understood.