How Autism effects relationships

 Having worked for many years with couples where one partner has Autism there are common problems that come up time and again . 

Communication 

Autism is a social communication disorder which can present with difficulties reading emotions, reading body language and tone of voice and taking in things that have been said in a different way to how they had been intended. Autistic individuals often are very sensitive especially when feeling criticised. Partners of individuals with asd will often complain of walking on eggshells or that they often feel that however carefully they address issues that it often ends up upsetting their asd partner. This can lead to partners no longer raising issues to avoid arguments which can lead to a build up of resentments. Autistic individuals often feel misunderstood and criticised. The starting point for healing has to be to learn how to communicate so both partners feel heard and understood. I teach a communication tool based on The Gottman method but adapted for neurodiversity which can quickly and effectively transform communication in a neurodiverse relationship. 

Physical Intimacy 

Autistic individuals can often struggle with physical intimacy and this can be for a number of different reasons. Sensory processing disorder which oft often accompanies the condition can cause sensitivity to touch. Also sex drive can be effected, what I see with my clients is that either Autistic individuals have a very  low sex drive and very little interest in sex or they are particularly interested in sex and regular sexual intimacy is particularly important to them. Both a very high sex drive or a very low sex drive can cause problems in the relationship with either their partner feeling rejected snd that their asd partner is not attracted to them, or they feel pestered for sex often complaining that their autistic partner makes no effort with emotional intimacy but expects regular physical intimacy. Understanding is key to making progress in this area. Teaching the importance of and skills for emotional intimacy is vital in reconnection. Understanding one another’s sex drives and finding a balance that works for everyone is also important. Learning about sensitivities around touch and closeness  can help the autistic individual feel calm and stop the neurotypical partner feeling rejected. 

Emotional intimacy 

Small talk and talking about emotions can be extremely difficult for an individual with Autism and the difficulties in this area can lead to an emotional distance with the neurotypical partner often complaining of feeling lonely and disconnected. In order to build intimacy it is important to learn to talk to one another about your life and also your inner world. Without dialogue emotional intimacy cannot develop and it is in this area where I can see  couples really struggle. We enter a relationship to know and be know and if that process doesn’t happen then the relationship struggles to develop past surface level. Love is feeling known, and understood and seen and heard and without emotional dialogue these needs are left unmet. Understanding each others love language and learning the skills necessary to meet each others needs is key to developing a strong connection. Often the needs of an autistic individuals can be very different from their partners. Both partners have to honour and respect and support these differences. Too often when hurt we seek to blame rather than to look with curiosity in order to better understand. A neurodiverse relationship is like a puzzle,which without understanding can feel fractured with pieces missing but once understood can be constructed to form a very beautiful picture. 

Overwhelm and the need for quiet time 

Autistic individuals are under a lot of stress on a daily basis. Masking,  (which so many autistic adults use to fit in) is exhausting. So often at the end of a working day quiet time is needed to replenish diminished energy and to calm overwhelm. However if the asd partner has a young family often they are expected to click straight into parenting as soon as they return home. This can lead to either shutting down or melting down. Time for calm is imperative for individuals with asd and designing this quiet times into busy family lives can be very challenging. But the result of not doing so can be devastating not only to the mental health of the autistic partner but also to the damage created to the relationship of shutting down and withdrawing or exploding into a meltdown. 

With proper understanding and patience all these problems can be successfully navigated and connection strengthened.