Why women are the main instigators of divorce.

 Did you know that over 65% of divorces are instigated by wives. So why are women so much more dissatisfied with the state of their relationships than men?  From the many couples I see I believe the answer largely lies in a lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and more importantly a total lack of understanding of what emotional and physical intimacy is.

Emotional intimacy is the connection between a couple that includes empathy, understanding, being open with your thoughts and feelings, reading each others emotions, showing an interest in how each other feels  sharing worries and shames, being vulnerable, showing and talking about your emotions, being present, noticing, caring, showing up for each other, having each other's backs.

I love the quote by Esther Perel ' Foreplay begins at the end of the last orgasm". 

Physical intimacy is far from being just about sex, it is about physical closeness and displays of affection. It can be seen in a knowing look, a warm smile, reaching for your partners hand, a warm embrace, stoking, admiring, sitting close to one another, touching, playing, a lingering kiss. It is an open expression of your feelings for one another. 

Love is a verb, and should be actively shown on a daily basis. 

Women regularly express to me that what they are looking for is to be seen, known, and understood. 

Countless times in January I will be contacted by a despairing wife who has received a Christmas present that was the last straw. A coffee maker for a women that doesn't drink coffee, a blue silk scarf for a women who has for years spoken of her dislike of blue, a balloon ride for a women afraid of heights. The message that these often well-meaning gifts have sent out to the women who receive them is, ' after all these years together I feel like you don't know me at all'.

Women don't always make it easy for men, their hurt born from a lack of intimacy can play out in harsh criticism and judgment that only leads men to retreat faster. How can a man show his soft and vulnerable underbelly when he feels as if he is already failing to make his partner happy? 

We all desire to be known, deeply known and cared for. Emotional and physical intimacy creates that intimate knowledge and understanding that sets your romantic relationship apart from all other relationships in your life. 

Intimacy is not easy for some people. Opening up emotionally can create feelings of intense vulnerability, leaving people feeling exposed to being hurt or rejected. Intimacy requires trust, patience and kindness and for many people the art of intimacy needs to be learnt. 

The good news is that it is never too late to learn the tools for emotional and physical intimacy. I have worked with many couples that have redefined their relationship developing far greater passion and connectedness with simple tools that can be easily learnt and make a huge difference.

At some point during the process there is often a 'lightbulb moment' and that sudden realisation and understanding creates meaningful and lasting change in their relationship.