Vulnerability - The key to deep connection.
Relationships can feel unsatisfying and unfulfilling when they lack any depth of connection. It is not possible to connect beyond a surface level without experiencing vulnerability. In order to allow ourselves to be vulnerable we must trust that our partners 'Have our back' and feel that they have our best interests at heart.
For many individuals however, opening up emotionally is extremely difficult. If you come from a family background that did not discuss emotions then it is very likely that you will become an adult uncomfortable in the world of emotions, with many even believing that displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
Discussing your own inner emotions takes courage, the courage to allow yourself to be authentic and ' fully seen'. Talking together with your partner about your strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, dreams and failures, builds layer upon layer of deep bonds and connections. It is these bonds and connections which will hold you together through difficult and challenging times. It is these bonds that are the difference between a friendship and ' a loving relationship'. Without these bonds a loving relationship will fail to thrive. It will very likely feel like something is missing, and the relationship will feel unfulfilling.
Often I will see couples where one partner is emotionally open and the other uncomfortable opening up emotionally. It will be the emotionally open partner that will struggle the most in this partnership. They will feel acutely aware that their partner is not displaying themselves emotionally. They will often talk about feeling lonely, or that the relationship lacks balance. They often are left feeling vulnerable as they are unaware of their partners emotional inner world. One such partner said to me " I feel as if my partner knows me, but that I don't really know them'.
As children we learn by modelling what we see. If our parents do not discuss their emotions freely then we do not learn the importance of emotional expression. Emotional expression is hugely important to our mental health and wellbeing. If emotions are not processed or shared then they become stored and can result in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, or in destructive and addictive behaviour patterns. Adults whose parents did not discuss emotions freely are far more likely to struggle to do so themselves.
The American Psychologist Brene Brown has an excellent Ted Talk at www.ted.com titled 'The Power of Vulnerability'. Brene's research found that the happiness and longevity of a relationship is very much dependant on a couples ability to embrace vulnerability.
If you or your partner struggles with emotional expression and with vulnerability the first step to any change is acknowledging the problem. If you are not used to discussing your emotions it will feel very uncomfortable at first, you will likely feel very exposed and awkward. However it is important to keep stepping forward, vulnerability becomes more comfortable the more you experience it.
Often individuals that are uncomfortable with emotional expression feel much more comfortable in a work environment than a social environment. In work they can hide their vulnerabilities behind the cloak of their title and position, be it Doctor, Lawyer, Director or office worker. Socially they stand exposed, purely themselves, and for many people that can feel very intimidating.
Emotional expression is not only liberating, but completely necessary for the creation of loving bonds of intimacy. Sharing your inner feelings with your partner shows them that you trust them, and is a way of honouring your partnership. It requires us to turn away from our fears of 'Not being enough' and allowing ourselves to be fully seen.
After all Love is not wishing others to be a mirror of ourselves but embracing and rejoicing in our differences.
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