The difference between constructive and destructive criticism

There is a major difference between Constructive and Destructive Criticism.

Couples need to be very mindful of what words they use when they speak to one another. All couples have issues that need to be raised from time to time, however how these issues are raised is the key to a positive and loving relationship and staying connected to one another.

Constructive criticism as defined by wikipedia should be 'Timely, clear, specific, detailed and actionable'. Constructive criticism is supportive and inclusive. Constructive criticism does not blame, shame or finger point. Constructive criticism calmly and kindly suggests a better or more productive way forward.

Destructive criticism is harsh, shame inducing and damaging. Destructive criticism attacks a person's character and regular use of this type of critisism can cause psychological damage in both children and adults. 

Within a loving relationship destructive criticism will quickly destroy connection, creating a void between the couple. When people are destructively critisized they tend to either attack or withdraw. 

Here is an example of constructive and destructive criticism:

"You are so lazy, you never make any effort to help out, you deliberately do things wrong so I may as well have done them myself, your pathetic"

"I feel very frustrated and alone when I feel the housework is unevenly balanced, it makes me feel very resentful. Could we please sit down and work out a plan so the household duties are more evenly split".

One is character assassination and finger pointing, aimed to blame and shame. While the other is clear, specific and most importantly actionable. 

Take time to reflect on the way you present your issues to your partner, words have an immense amount of power. Remember constructive criticism supports, while destructive criticism destroys.