Parenting mistakes that will damage your relationship

Parenting mistakes that will damage your relationship.

Many of the couples that I see in my practise are in the parents with young children category. This is hardly surprising, as wonderful as they are, children can place a huge strain on a relationship. Sleep deprivation, demanding extra-currivular activity timetables, and just the non-stop nature of parenting places an increasing strain on even the happiest of couples.

Parenting is tough and most of the time we learn from trial and error. But what are the ways of parenting that best help to preserve your relationship? 

Listed below is some parenting advise to help keep your relationship happy and healthy throughout the challenging child rearing years.

Sleeping patterns.

Teach your baby to sleep on their own as quickly as possible. I see far too many couples that no longer share the same bed, with one partner taking up almost permanent (or in some cases permanent) residence in their children bed. Not only is this not healthy for the child as they never learn to self soothe, but it dismantles one of the most intimate rituals of a relationship -that of sharing a bed together. Often time choosing to sleep with their child rather than together can be a symptom of a distressed relationship. But other times it can be where the marital problems first begin. Often when asked when their problems first began I will be told around the time that they started sleeping separately. 

Work together to get your baby into a sleeping pattern as quickly as possible. It is always best when this is handled by both parents as some children are difficult sleepers and need much more help in learning how to sleep through the night. Don't give up and regard sleeping with your child as an easier option. By doing this you are making a rod for your own back, and it can create years and years of sleep problems, and will place an increasing strain on your relationship.

Extra-curricular Activities

Stop the madness! Far too many parents I see have crazy extra-curricular activity timetables, with their children doing an activity every night of the week. With more than one child, parents can become like passing ships in the night, taking kids in different directions. Help your child to choose a couple of activities only. If they want to start something new, get them to drop one of the other activities. There are lots of challenges for couples with this problem. Firstly it is hugely expensive and can quickly put a strain on finances, that in itself can require working longer hours. Secondly it dictates all free time, and reduces the amount of quality time spent with one another. Finally it is exhausting, leaving no remaining energy to spend on one another. Kids do not have to be distracted 24/7 it is healthy for them to have some down time, even time to be bored. They will soon learn ways to entertain themselves, kids of most ages can have fun with very little, and downtime has been shown to stimulate creativity.

Taking time for quality alone time together.

It is surprising quite how many couples I see that rarely have a date night and never go away for a night on their own. I appreciate it can be easier for some parents than others depending on the proximity of a support network. But where possible your relationship requires quality alone time to stay happy, healthy and connected. The odd night away a couple of times a year (or more if possible) can really give a tired couple a much needed boost. Leaving your responsibilities at home, you can finally have some rejuvenating down time to reconnect. It can allow you to recreate the freedom and spontaneity of your earlier time together before children. The feel good factor will often last long after the trip has ended. 

Supportive parenting

Decide on a parenting plan together and present a united front going forward. Undermining each other, especially in front of the children can lead to a build up of huge resentment, driving a wedge between you. Deciding on a parenting plan together will require compromise, as often a couple will have very differing views on how to parent. Remember no-one is a perfect parent, doing your best is good enough. Consistency is king, I wish I had learnt this lesson far earlier with the raising of my own three children. NO,NO,NO,NO, oh go on then, teaches them nothing other than the fact your boundaries are weak, and will create more problems going forward. Also remember you are in charge, not the kids. Far too many households these days are ruled by the children rather than the parents. Children going to bed far too late, fussy eaters that require multiple different meals, and a general lack of respect can quickly cause mayhem in a family. Your relationship exists within that family unit and a stressed and unruly family, will ultimately have a negative knock on effects to your relationship.  

Support each other with down time 

Plan a routine where you both have some time off in the week, to use as you please. Whether it is taking it in turns to have a weekend lie-in, or giving each other time to pursue a favourite hobby. It might just be an hour in the bath with a glass of wine, a yoga class or some time with your mates in the pub. Whatever helps you to recharge your batteries. This applies to both parties not just one. Parenting is tough, so supporting each other to have some me alone-time is absolutely vital.

Do not priorities the children to the exclusion of each other

This is more regularly seen with us mothers, becoming a parent for the first time is hugely exciting and life changing with overwhelming feelings of love for your child. However sometimes this love can take priority to the exclusion of all other, with fathers left feeling pushed out or rejected. Remember to make time for each other, taking time each day to talk together, be affectionate, and stay connected. Relationships will quickly wither if given no time or attention, make sure this doesn't happen to you.