The Double empathy problem

 In Neurodiverse Relationships, misunderstandings happen on both sides.

Autism is a social communication disorder that can effect how an individual interprets tone of voice, body language and what has been said. Often the sensitivity and low self esteem that can lie at the heart of an autistic individual can lead to hearing criticism when no criticism was made. This can leads to a defensive response which can lead to a breakdown in healthy communication.

Likewise the neurotypical partner can misread the facial expressions or intensions of their neurodiverse partner. Sometimes autism can lead to a lack of facial expression, which means that often what is shown on the face is not representative of what is going on underneath.

The autistic partner struggles to read their neurotypical partner but likewise the neurotypical partner struggles to read their neurodiverse partner, this leads to a mountain of frustrations and hurts which when built up over years can lead a relationship into total crisis and breakdown. 

Understandings need to be formed on both sides. Both need to put in the effort to better understand the different operating systems and brain wirings at play. 

Some helpful points to better understand one another 

1. Look with curiosity not with blame. 

2. Never assume.  What is going on inside is often not what you think. 

3. When in doubt, ask.

4. If you know your partner struggles to recognise or talk about their emotions, try asking what they are thinking. From hearing what thoughts are present, feelings can be ascertained.

5. Be very clear with one another about what you need. Do not assume your partner knows what your needs are. Often couples are quick to tell their partner what they don't need, but struggle to ask for what they do need.

Neurodiversity effects every individual differently, work is required to fully understand how it effects you. With my own adhd I have learnt that this understanding and learning is an ongoing journey. However, the more I learn about my particular ' flavour ' of neurodiversity the more empowered I feel. I have also noticed this to be the case with the clients that I work with. Knowledge in power.